Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
