I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
