I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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