cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
