so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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