if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jerry, you need to find god
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
