Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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