I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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