I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
