The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
