She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
