thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
