I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
