Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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