Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
