I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
