just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
