there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Semen is not good for contacts.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
