Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm at about main and main street
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
