The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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