I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
