Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
