wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
