i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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