do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
