He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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