Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
