Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
