come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
