i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
