Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
