This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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