I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You ruined the universe
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
