And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
