i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
