I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
FUCK WHALES
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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