): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
wow bdsm is so cute
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
