1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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