I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Enjoy the penises
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
