I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
