Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
