you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
