My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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