so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
