Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
