I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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