I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
