i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
