Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
