Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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