sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
