you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
