nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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