We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
