just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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