my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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