I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize