chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
