Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
